Communicating Without a Rainbow
Here is the biggest thing I have learned about having a long-term relationship/marriage after 12+ years with my husband….
you’re not ALWAYS gonna get along and that’s okay.
you’re gonna pay attention to their non-verbals more than their verbals sometimes and that’s okay.
you’re gonna realize arguments frequently come from at least one of you wanting to be right and that’s okay.
you’re gonna THINK your partner knows what you’re thinking and the best way to approach you about stuff and that’s okay.
you’re gonna think you guys shouldn’t have to talk about “small stuff” like how their facial expressions made you feel and that’s okay.
And while there are so many more things that could be added to the list, the biggest thing I realized is that we are both human, we both have our own strengths and weaknesses, and we both have to recognize the power in communicating to find balance because disagreements are inevitable. We are two different people.
So what the hell do we do when lightning strikes and sunshine and rainbows seem like a pipe dream? Here are a couple things I like to keep in mind and have helped me over the years! But believe me it is easier said than done somethings…
Self Control - when I am having a conflict with my partner, or anyone really, the biggest motivator to keep me calm is to recognize that I can’t control the other person. I can only control what I do or say in any given moment. And to recognize that YOU CAN’T CHANGE HOW YOUR PARTNER IS SAYING OR DOING. The only thing YOU can change is what YOU say or do. So if you don’t like what your partner is doing or saying… that’s okay.. but how are you gonna show up differently so it doesn’t keep happening?
Non-Verbals - sometimes I feel like this is so silly because people don’t utilize this power enough. I could pull all the research on percentages found based on experiments of verbals vs non-verbals and how it impacts relational communication… but it all comes down to IT IS IMPACTFUL. If I’m in the thick of a disagreement, argument, or maybe even difference of opinion, I try and remember these few things… Fix your face, fix your tone, and fix your posture. I have realized that if one, some, or all of those things scream judgement, disrespect, or condescension…. your partner probably doesn’t even compute the words you are speaking. Kinda feeds into my first point of self control huh…. yes I know it’s frustrating.
Talk logistics - when we were younger and at the beginning of the relationship this seemed unnecessary, silly, uncool, and kinda just inorganic/roboty lol. If roboty is even a word.. Basically… talking about having conversations on “how do you want me to approach you if I disagree with you”, “if I get heated how can I take a second to calm down without hurting your feelings”, or “how can we walk away from arguments/disagreements in a calm way”. These are things that could de-escalate things so much quicker when the sunshine takes a sabbatical.
I feel like there are so many other things but I don’t want these blogs to be novels and these are honestly my top three “heat of the moment” fixers. Yes, building connection is extremely important and there are different tools to help us do that in our relationship.. but none of that is possible if we let the storm consume us whole.
Hope this helps!
-Jane